I’m finding myself more and more unable to pretend. 

No more pretending.

When people ask things like, “Are you counting down the days?” and “Well, what are you going to do?”, it’s getting more and more difficult to give the socially acceptable succinct, not-so-intensely-personal answers.

So, it’s taking me like five minutes – at a minimum – to answer those questions when people ask these days.  I guess that’s a good thing?

I mean, we’re not really supposed to be pretending, but I do feel a bit sorry for those poor souls unfortunate enough to have asked the question lately.  Most of the time I think they’re just curious, and they didn’t quite bargain for the response they got.

But right now, it’s impossible for me to separate the answers from the process.  So, if you ask there’s a decent chance you’re gonna get sucked into my process for a few minutes.  Sorry.

Something is changing.

Something is changing and growing inside of me, and I’m not even sure what it is yet.  I’m fairly certain that at its maturity, it will come with freedom from many things: pretense, isolation, the need for approval. And probably plenty of things I don’t even realize I’m held prisoner by. 

I look forward to that, to those coming moments of freedom. I wonder what it will feel like.

And I wonder what name I’ll give to this thing that’s happening to me.  Will I know what it is a month from now? Six months? A year? A lifetime?  I do love beginnings. Middles are tough. And endings make me sad. This feels like a whole lot of middle.

One day, when I was deeply invested in a conversation in my book of Letters to God, I heard him whisper, “No one else needs to know.  When it’s time, you’ll tell the story.”

Funny, coming from an eternal being who is independent of time, who created day and night just because.

No time to wait.

Right now, He tells me to wait.  Possibly because that’s the very hardest thing in all the world for me.  Recover, plan, prepare, act, respond… I can do those things. Wait is not really in my wheelhouse.

But, as I’ve told many who’ve been sucked into my story by asking a question lately, the Refining Fire burns, and that’s where I am.  So, wait I shall.