In honor of my 90s adolescence, I’d like to subtitle this post “Turn the Page” or “See You at the Crossroads.”

I couldn’t make a clear decision between Metallica or Bone Thugs ‘N Harmony, so you get both. Take your pick.

I think I’ve turned a corner.  I’m still not sure where I’m headed or maybe even what road I’m on, but I think I can see the tiny little speck of me with the “you are here” arrow declaring my presence.

I can see myself.

That small statement feels pretty profound to me.

I’ve never really been one to make New Year’s Resolutions, for a couple of reasons.  1. I know I’ll break them. I just won’t sustain the initial effort. 2. If I recognize something I’m ready, willing, and able to change, I’m going to do that regardless of where we are on the calendar.  The year I decided to join a gym, I went in on December 29 because I couldn’t stand the idea of showing up with the “resolution crowd.” I’m not coming down on you if you do make resolutions (even if you don’t keep them), I’m just being honest about who I am.

So, no resolutions, but I did fall in love with the idea of a defining word a few years ago.  Last year’s word was “renewal.” (Insert eye roll here about the poignancy of said word in light of all of the changes in my life.)  I’ve been hesitant to commit, but I’m doing it now. This year’s word is LOVE. And that starts with me.

You know how “busy” was the new cool for grown-ups for a while?  Maybe it still is, but I made an intentional decision a while ago to remove myself from that competition, so I couldn’t say. 

Anyway, I kind of feel like self-loathing has become the new thing that unifies us, whether we’re busy or not. We all seem to be singing our respective parts of the same song in a very large choir. Instead of boring old alto, soprano, and tenor, we assume the role of inferior, or worthless, or invisible.

Guess what.  In the name of LOVE (hope you’re singing that one in your head, too) I’m declaring myself officially removed from that nonsense as well.

I can remember a few occasions where I’ve heard one of my girls say disparaging things about herself.  It made me feel awful. Sad, heartbroken, anguished, and desperate for her to see herself more clearly. 

So, when I view myself through the lens of ugly I can only imagine those feelings I’ve had are experienced by the people who love me, too: my husband, my children.  And by my Father. How hurt and anguished must He be when His own creation, His child is so blind to the beauty, worth, and value we all possess simply because we are His. 

And how will I ever fully appreciate the beauty, worth, and value in others if I’m so fundamentally focused on how awful THIS creation is?

This year, I will LOVE.  I will learn to appreciate the person God created me to be, and forgive her for all her weirdness. I will choose responses — both to myself and to others — that are rooted in LOVE instead of in insecurity, pride, jealousy, competition, or any other diseased nastiness.

And you know what?  I will fail. But that’s ok, because I’ll just start over and try again.  Because even though I may fail, LOVE never does.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)